what hurts.

its never what you do
its never what you say
its never what you forget or even remember
its not the criticisms that you drop on my head
its my expectations of you
I expect you to do things..
I expect you to say things..
i expect you to remember or forget..

So why am i hurting myself?

Everything is Fake.

For every moment that I have where I feel like I need to rap and be heard
I have countless moments where I just do not give a fuck. I used to want to rap because of the life that they painted for rappers: Cars, Money, girls, not a care in the world, right? But as I grew in years I found that even a care-free life comes with a price, and comes with its own set of worries and stressors and in actuality isn't really all that 'care-free'
I look at my grandparents...
i'd say they live "the life"
happy in their quaint little yellow house
watching the family that they raised grow and spread out into the world.
not a need in the world, just basking in love.
to me that's real. that's a real life.
this rap shit is so fucking fake to me.
i'm not even a pinky toe into the game and all i feel from it is negativity.
I always thought i'd just put my heart into these songs
and people would possibly love them and i'd be able to spread that love.
to a point where that was my only goal.
but i people don't want reality,
instead it seems that ppl want to live in hell, while constantly being shown pictures of heaven, which to me seems like the dumbest shit in the world.
completely unaware that the people showing these 'pictures' are only concerned with manipulating your thoughts so that you become a machine.
a machine to give them power and money.
the life that's broadcast to us via our little TV screens is not life.
life is whats going on. life is living. life is in emotions, life is in people
its not in these pre-packaged boxes labeled 'life' that show up on our doorsteps.
(got way sidetracked)
fuck it i'm going to sleep.

_mC

Top5InContinued:

BluStyle:
RandomAsHellButHeresARealHonest
like,listOfMyTop5ThingsIDoNotFckWith1.TheAmountofTimeitTakestoMix2.Insecurities
3.Stringbeans4.beingWhipless5.BeingLikebull-_-;;;;;

bye.

_mC

ThankYou Lyrics(inc.)

Shattered the mirrors-
image that I once had
of myself and seeing my face on the mags
about face, toss my old face in the trash
gram' told me 'bout this gift that I have for insight
so the deeper i'd search,
the further I got lost in God...no church
like every atom is a bomb waiting to burst
and every nerve ending of mine
just hurts for the truth and its use?
and weapon..but
MY 45. is all for all of us
seduced by the wants, if you got all ya need
then the war for your mind is lost, in the greed
lost in the speed of life...light speed
..drive slow, nigga GLC
redefine my...success as just peace
with everything I see but more-so me
and shouts to Kodi unseen for so long
said "we should chill and I really like ya songs"
so... I ..now know I connect
with that part of ya body... right about ya neck so...
feel free to move hips, move legs, move lips
tell folks bout...this
and this a thanks in advance
an unborn child's like an un-made fan..ThankYou

Man... I lost friends over dumb shit.
you ever lost friends over dumb shit?
I'm talkin bout..one minute you cool
and the next you got issues won't confront shit?
but ..who am I to question
in every loss I ever took, gained a lesson
silver lining that makes for golden rhymin'
(....)


_mC
GodLee mC
-ThankYou

Drop the World

Its hard when family makes it hard to love em

"Skeletons in my closet
Demons in my past
but a song in my heart
and a dream in my grasp
gems that I drop, its a present in my raps
sincerely me, not signed but autographed"
_mC

Uh-Oh.

Uh-oh

::opens chest...looks inside::
Hmm...
::closes chest::

:-/



_mC

.Because that's the language I speak in.

Suffering.

Suffering is fed
'"foods' that feed our suffering are toxins
we must not ingest toxins.
no matter how good they may taste
because in the long run, we only end up eating away at ourselves.
and our capacity for joy.
Some people just got an appetite for destruction.

Zen.

_mC

Soo...

the little things have the biggest effects on meh sometimes
that middle child thing man...>_<;;
my psyche...my psychology man...
and me looking out into this abyss aint helping a thing.
I need more stability.
i'm just going to get lost in meditation on it and hopefully it makes me feel better.
seek.
then solve.

peace.



_mC

With Love from mC(2008) / Chill Music(Songs About Jane) (2009) & Thoughts.

Figured I might as well re-post my previous works "With Love from mC" and "Chill Music" (and some thoughts) while I work on my 2 new projects dropping sometime this year.
Hopefully you can see the progression between these 2 projects and I hope that you'll see the continuance of that in my newer projects dropping this year.

With Love, From mC (2008)


Download: http://usershare.net/4fhxbop2sjk4

Tracklist:
1. Leave a message (Twin)
2. Amzing
3. Leave a message (Supreme)
4. mC @ Work
5. MD
6. Leave a message (Mel)
7. Joints
8. Leave a Message (Mouse)
9. Supa mC
10. Roommate Stories
11. Say it Aint So. ft. HB
12. Leave a Message (Styles)
13. Save a Spot
14. Leave a Message (Duraleen / Ice)
15. No Savior


Thoughts:
When I listen back to this project, I remember the super sincere feeling of just wanting to rap. I just wanted to rap and have something to call my own. Having just saved up the $400 required to build me a decent recording set-up from scratch, I did exactly that. Most of these songs are either just one verse or one verse and a hook because I couldn't wait to get these pieces of music out. I didn't even care if they were finished or mixed, I just wanted people to hear what I could do, and get a taste, even if they didn't get the whole entree'. In addition to that, I had randomly recorded all of my messages one day, and realized that they each corresponded to a song and I placed them accordingly. Aside from my recordings in high school (which I vow to never let see the light of day) this is the starting point for all things mC.


Chill Music (2009)


Download: http://usershare.net/gmn6akinll9q

Chill Music.
1. Intro
2. Don't Save Em
3. Falling for a friend / falling in
4. Doing something you regret
5. Missing that person
6. being on some other stuff, acting like you don't care lol.
7. Lost You
8. Don't Care About 'em
9. Occupying your mind with something else completely
10. Sh.Outro

Thoughts:
With this project, I sat for a long time with the collection of tracks that I'd made since the release of 'With Love...' and listened to them repeatedly, and tried to understand what the songs were saying overall, and one day (#whilst) it occurred to me that this set of songs told the story of a relationship, So I sequenced them accordingly.
I wanted to branch out and try things on different soundscapes (Worst Kind of Love) and I also wanted to make more structured songs (Just a Model, College Route) to show that I'd been putting in some technical work as well. I'm usually ultra critical of my stuff, but I think the project as whole represents my emotional states, mindset, and life over the course of the couple of months, and what more could you ask for from a piece of art?
The Bonuses consist of my favorite songs that I didn't think went with the theme/mood of the project. I had to put 'em out cause they were songs that I felt strongly about, so I figured people who listen to my stuff might enjoy 'em.




Hope you enjoy these, I put a lot of work into them.
and feel free to shoot me some feedback so I can make an even better product next go 'round.
'Precciate the love and support.


_mC (make Change*)

Gospel Music

...Speaks to your heart and soul.

Today after work I listened this talked to me.

and here's a video to make todays blog interesting:
[Click here if you can't see the video]



_mC

P.S. Erykah I love it!
R e T U R N o f T h e A n K H 3/30/2010A.D
I even love the energy of the release date.
I see you, Most High.

My G

This is my G, one of the people who give my life meaning.


This is me and my G.


I get to see her this week, and that makes me happy.
Did Christmas come early?

fin.
_mC
even tho' shes blowing me* as of me typing this.
*not like that

Blu/ Talking too Much

Blu


After spending the latter part of my work day with a few cuts from Blu's Below the Heavens, The Lifted EP, and GODLee Barnes'(Blu) Open instrumental LP. I realized that what KanYe West was to my musical tastes, Blu has become.
and by that I mean a rapper/producer who is head and shoulders above the competition as my current favorite artist. Consistent quality work, Constant style evolution and switchage, and prolificness (dictionary.com says that's a word). Not lil Wayne prolific, but I def. don't think he needed to be on the cover of the Vibe freshman issue having dropped several mixtapes and ALBUMS.
long story short... imma fan.
He's inspired a lot of the direction for my upcoming proyecto but I don't wanna talk about that.

dude got it.
fin.

I'm even growing my own version of the Blu Fro.(see what I did there?)


----------------------------------------------------------
Talking too Much

I think(fear) that I am becoming the most introverted person I've ever met.
My desire to be with people is dwindling as quickly my faith in everything human.
Its kind of created this odd mental space for me. I feel so far (gone)removed from things that I feel a little like a ghost.
There's only a handful of people who I even feel are worth my words, feelings and thoughts.
Being friendly is painful sometimes.
I should probably just blame my expectations of people, like
with anything and anybody, if you're let down enough you start to just not care.
now combine that with a heart hell-bent on helping (read: saving the world) and what do you get?\
bars like this:
"in this galaxy of conscious minds/ I feel the closest to the edge of the universe
being human hurts, with the spirit of an angel, viewing from high angles..."

&&

thoughts like this:

my desire to speak is at an all-time low.
yet my desire to be heard is at an all-time high


which kind of completely fucks up the whole aspiring hip-hop artist thing but that's another blog(that I'll probably never write).
fin.


_mC

P.S. Niggas be talking too much

The Maker.

I used to be a maker of fools until I became one
or [rather] was made one,
promise I aint the same one
seeing how the days run, just like game
before, I never could complain
until you're in pain, outside of the window pane
wishing for an end to the rain.
eyes left cloudy, and shirts lefts stained.
[heart]broken like a bone, but its a muscle so its strained.
and then I start to think
How many "YOU"'s i'd left the same, or
in the same state.
[now] I promise I can relate
due to a shot of Karma, with a twist of fate....


_mC

What do these lines mean?

What do these lines mean?
"In this galaxy of conscious minds, I feel the closest to the edge of the universe"


spoiler[+]


_mC

stomach virus.

been kicking my ass
:(
that is all


_mC

Something From the Archives.

In Order to start the New Year right, I decided to give myself some creative space.
My hard drive and Pro-Tools files looks like someone just threw a bunch of random folders together and called it a day. I don't even have one main folder that all of my Pro-tools files are in!
*sigh*
So I'm deleting them all... (sadface) but NOT before bouncing out all of the songs/verses/hooks and everything else worth saving.
Heres one of those such bounces...
mC-LikeThis ... this is a song that i started on Asher Roth's Lark On My Go Kart but never finished for whatever reason:


*Click to Listen/ Download*
mC-LkeTht(LarkOnMyGoKart).mp3
Enjoy!

Lyrics:
Look,
And its just like that, and that is like this
and this is like no other youngin' that exist
Pull my card, feel free to Go fish
cause aint a line bit, and i aint lying a bit
lets call that a flip, I sampled myself
Rhymes so soulful ample my shelves,
as for my shelf, metaphor for lane
I take off labels making that plane/plain
making me 'caine, where all yall jane
doe/dough I gotta spill so i can sustain
yea, you know the name Mr. Make Change
a cunning linguist beats I give brain
dim-witted rappers, no need to explain
I am the de-light like a sugar hill gang
/
and its just like this,
and this is like that
and that is like no other dude that rap
in fact, i'm a bac-
teria, tearin' ya, on the hunt like a terrier for the cream
used to trade that off for clothes by Supreme
now its just that in my genes,
passion it beams from my palms, a tiger shot
in my mind, I street fight down writers block
to slide the cock, up in there, up in hear/here
wake 'em all up i'm the sun/son, the heir/air,
the moon, the stars that shine, they all align
to see little bro rhyme after all this time...
i'm sayin...


_mC


(Happy New Years btw!, maybe I should do a new years post?)

The Little things in life.

Like Swiff D dropping a beattape!?
Like Blu Dropping an EP!
anyways these things make me very happy.
That is all, continue.

--update--
So I Google "What is existence"
and what comes up is that exist comes from a Latin word which literally means "To stand out"...


_mC

Don't Wanna Let Go.

I LOVE/HATE The Narcissism Machine

Narcissism:(def.) -self-love: an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself;

Now, with myself, there exists this intense love/hate relationship with TWITTER, but for the longest time I could NOT figure out why I'd even describe my relationship with an inanimate object, let alone a social networking website as love/hate.
I mean sure people are annoying as hell, that's a very consistent thing in life, but that never made me NOT want to get on facebook or myspace (maybe the spam on myspace but not the ppl). So what is it about this little twitter box that drives me up a wall?


nothing to do with the blog post

I love the aspect of instant communication with a lot of different people, so for a while I likened twitter to an oldschool* AOL-esque chatroom. Log on. See what people doing, update your followers on what you're doing, interact and take it from there.
From twitter has come plenty of spontaneous meet-ups, LOTS of comedy, news updates, sports scores, award show happenings, up to the minute music drops, and countless other discussions that happen in real-time that allows one to stay up to date on everything that doesn't matter in this world. We get to keep in touch with all of our friends who we can't see regularly and hell we even get to talk and interact with our favorite famous people!

So where does the 'hate' part of the equation come in?

I think it has something to do with a combination of the 140 character limit and the ability to retweet. (someone re-posting what you've posted to show that they agree or display their thoughts on it)

Can you really share an in-depth idea or concept in 140 characters?
Maybe you can share some noble or wise saying, but even that lends itself to the narcissism; cause you really just want your wisdom to be seen, heard and acknowledged.


again, absolutely nothing to do with the blog post.

and thus we've arrived!
It seems like twitter subconsciously enhances the desire to be heard.
What did we do with all of these random and pointless thoughts that occurred before there was twitter?
We kept them to our damn selves**! but twitter gives each and everyone one of us a platform to be heard and this feeds into the DESIRE to be heard, and each retweet is a person in the "audience" reaffirming that someone is out there "listening" to your random thought process, encouraging you to go on and on about whatever it is that you was talking about.

Did I mention that in about 80% of tweets the subject is the tweeter?
"I'm doing this..."
"I think this..."
"My this does this..."
"I, Me, my..blah blah blah"

multiply this time the #ofFollowers and you've got a twitter timeline that often resembles being slapped over the head with a collection of up-to-the-minute autobiographies that you didn't ask for*** in the first place***.
(and for the record I am not claiming to be a saint amongst sinners)
&that shit be annoying
...thus...my love/hate relationship with twitter is explained.
thanks for reading my rant


_mC

*feels weird referring to something in the late90's early 2000's as "oldschool"
** or shared with a SELECT group of people ie; friends, someone around you, etc.
*** but maybe you did ask for this by being on twitter?

P.S. now let me go feed The Narcissism Machine so it can poop out the good feelings that come with a comment.

Life.

Sometimes Life amazes me
I've been on these spiels about how humping until you shoot off in a girl amazes me in how that makes life or A life, but I guess I'm just amazed by life period.
How do the trillions of atoms in the universe converge in a very specific way to create a conscious mind?
I think being conscious amazes me.
But even more than that, the ways in which humans subconsciously imitate the polar energies within the atoms that our bodies consist of is amazing.
ya know
Protons--->Positive...add...good...protagonist...etc.
Electrons--->Negative....subtract....bad...antagonist...etc.
Neutrons...Neutral.

And all of these atoms which create out conscious minds have been here billions of years before our minds came into existence.
kinda makes ya think.

end train of thought.


_mC